MANGOSCOPES

Aries – Your mango tells you one thing while your coco tells you something else. Today they will both meet and determine what psychological problems you may be facing

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Taurus – Although you can be reliable for the first few weeks of a relationship, everyone knows it is just a mater of time before your air conditioner stops cooling and your oil pan starts leaking on the freshly pressure cleaned drive way.

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Gemini - You will be laid off today, not because of cut backs or down sizing, but simply because you are a disgraceful, arrogant, ass hole. You would be lucky to make friends in the unemployment line.  

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Cancer - You should look into spending more time with Gemini’s. You both make people pull their hair out, your presence is never appreciated, and nothing you do can ever make it “A BETTER DAY.”

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Leo -  Good news, you will soon meet your soul mate. Unfortunately, an iceberg will lead to your demise leaving your lifeless body clinching onto a floating door. Be sure to never let go!

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Virgo - Something will happen today that will make you feel as though you are floating above the clouds. In your case, the feeling of being so high off the ground will leave your body paralyzed, meanwhile your mind will panic until you are left unconscious. Shooting for the stars may not be the best idea for you.

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Libra -  Drink, eat, gallop and laugh; for tonight you will be nothing more than a tasty meal for the king of the wild. The circle of life is not favorable for anyone of your species.

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Scorpio – You live your life slithering around eating decent people’s mangos. You show up uninvited and when crushed, you cause much pain. Prepare to spend the rest of eternity bathing in the bowels of hell.

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Sagittarius – Wonder bras, under wire, not even baggy black tee shirts can hide the sand bags you carry by your waste. Be cautious of speed bumps.

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Capricorn – Reveal yourself, your reputation is at stake. Although you are loved year around you only show up during Halloween. You deprive children of having tasty corn treats in July and parents are starting to call you selfish.

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Pisces -  Your foolish acts of self mutilation are pure amusement for your friends and family. With each slash of a blade the laugher grows. Sadly, your acts are not humorous, in fact, they only laugh at the idea of peeing on you when your six feet under. _______________________________________________________________________________

Aquarius – Your drink specials are unbelievable and your decorations are fabulous although your guest list contains all the names of the “Village People”.

 

CON MUCH AMOR,

Los Tipos Del Mango

 

 

“Mango Town Topless Jamboree”

This Friday Mango Town will be holding its 23rd annual “Mango Town Topless Jamboree.” Participants are strongly encouraged to douse both their upper body as well as their genitalia with none other than Coppertone SPF 30. This will prevent you from further complications from the beautiful Mango Town Sun. In addition, the staff at Mango Town would like to inform you that their will be zero tolerance for the following: T-Shirts, Bikini Tops, Nipple tassels, Duct tape, Whip Cream, and/or anything else that may prevent full exposure of the Nippoli (nip.poll~eye’). As for the event itself; we will have live music performed by none other than “Uncle Luke” of “2 Live Crew,” with a special performance by the cum queen herself “Trina,” the self proclaimed “Baddest Bitch.” As for family and friends, each resident of Mango town has the option of bringing up to three permiscuous guests of decent and pleasant stature. Any stretch marks, Cesarean section scars, love handles, cellulite, or pubic hair exposed by you or your guests may jeopardize the remainder of your time at Mango Town. One topic that came up during the planning of this years’ Jamboree was the level of intoxication demonstrated in previous years. We have noticed a trend in people falling asleep on top of other people who are still trying to party. This is completely unacceptable. In order to ensure that everyone is equally fucked up the staff has taken it upon themselves to collect a wide variety of drugs and alcohol which will be mixed together and served to the guest. Finally, remember to get to sleep early the night before, either by vigorous sex or lubricated masturbation, so that you may have the most amount of energy possible. We look forward to spending this day with you and are excited to see a diverse crowd of nipples!

Sincerely,

The Staff of Mango Town

FUCK YOU SANTA!

Or should I call you Satan! Every year world wide children get ready for the celebration known as Christmas (coincidentally it also lands on the birth day of Jesus M. Christ).  What many people don’t know is  the truth behind this horrible holiday, a little terrorist who goes by the name of  Fernando “Lucas”  Santiago III alias “Santa Claus”. Around the world he is celebrated as a jolly fat man who travels the world to deliver only the most swanky state of the art toys of our day to the doorsteps of children around the world. Like Becky, Barbies paraplegic friend with Super Wheelchair Racing Grip!! Your child will be the envy of the school yard when all his classmates Barbies have to WALK their way to the supermarket!

(Barbies “Other” Friend)

But in Mango Town he is only celebrated for what he really is. A  TERRORIST! (also a candidate for diabetes and high blood pressure). Now I know what many of you may be thinking, “when the hell did Becky, Barbies “other” friend, get put into a wheelchair?” That doesn’t matter! the fact is that she will never run through the lavish Mango Town mango fields with Ken ever again! no thanks to a little man called Fernando (Santa).

Santa was banished from Mango Town due to his lack of creativity when it came to gifts.  Instead bringing what all children love like toys, video-games, mango’s, hookers, and a new Wheelchair Barbie; Santa delivered such things as: Clothing, Papayas, Condoms, Used Condoms,  Scented Candles  and Adoption Papers. A slap in the face to mango children everywhere!! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(The infamous Christmas of 1987 where many children where left in tears when there mango dreams where CRUSHED by a fat man dressed in communist red. Sorry kids, looks like the adoption house for you this Christmas)

 

After that fateful year, Santa was no more. This is when we the people of Mango Town decided on another, a Mango so great children need not write him letters for he already knew what they wanted before they even knew they wanted it. A Mango so great he showed up not only once a year but twice!! A Mango so generous, he was able to look past naughty and nice, good or bad, Jewish or black. This mango is one who goes by the name of Mangodamus.

Mangodamus was responsible for some of Mango Towns most creative gifts. Of all the gifts received some include:

Oops! :

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(An exciting game of chance where participants drug them self’s to a near comatose state jump behind the wheel and see where the night takes them!! Good luck trying to explain it all when there in there 20′s! Its the game that keeps on giving!)  

E! True Mango Town Story: Trina

 

Moments after the Trina performance at the “23^rd Annual Mango Town Jamboree,” She asked to have a word with me. I was surprised to find she wanted to speak to me, considering the last time we hung out the night ended in an altercation with a police officer that claimed her “ass” was “too fat” (whoop, whoop). A slap in the face to curvy women around the world. Anyways, I waited calmly as she exited the stage. Suddenly I began to wonder what she wanted to speak to me about. Curiously, I came up with a few ideas. Perhaps she wants drip hot wax down my chest, maybe she wants to restrain me and beat me purple until I climax, or maybe she wants to sit by the shore and discuss current events while Emilio (the Mexican landscape engineer) envies our lavish lifestyles. Finally I was summoned to her quarters. “You wished to speak with me Madam?” I so eloquently asked. She immediately responded “Milton, why did you call me a Cum Queen in the 23^rdAnnual Mango Town Topless Jamboree newsletter.” There was a moment of silence. It was at this time that I took a good look around the room and noticed the candle, shackles, and the news paper opened to the current events section. At this point I knew the next few words out of my mouth would determine who I would be having breakfast with the next morning. I began by explaining to her that her last album was simply off the fuckin hizzy, just to start the conversation on a good note. Then I expanded on what I meant when I said cum queen. “Your classy looks and charm go a long way baby. I did not mean it in a distasteful way, I only wished to capture the readers attention and make them aware of the amount of salchicha you COULD have.” She quickly stood her fat ass up and jiggled her way over to the next room. For a second I thought I had said something wrong. I mean really, what woman doesn’t like to be called a cum queen? Suddenly the lights dimmed. I thought she was setting up for a game of clue. She lit the candle (whaaaaaat?!), cuffed me to the headboard and poured wax all down my sexy gorilla chest. I felt as though I was in a “112” music video, fabulous and erotic, with ok lighting effects. One thing led to another and she began to pull of my “Clarissa Explains It All” tighty whiteys. Needless to say, she rode me like a polo pony for the remainder of the night. I awoke the next morning to find myself on the floor while she was performing, what seemed to be consensual, sexual activities with Emilio, the fucking Mexican! I collected my clothing and as I stormed out the door leaving my heart behind she yelled…”I’m the baddest bitch1” And so it was…..…